Hope

So, I did get a response from my male 'friend'. It was not what I was hoping for.

He tried to be kind and played the martyr, but basically he saw my picture and is no longer interested. However you slice it that is a definite piece of humble pie. All the thoughts of men and what they are interested in started to parade through my mind as I was trying to keep the hurt in check, but that didn't work for very long. I started sobbing and I couldn't stop. It was painful to feel the full force of that rejection, and then the anger turned from men to me 'not being enough'.

I tried speaking truth to myself....
- if he can't accept you as you are then you don't want him anyway
-he is not a picture of all men
-you asked and got the truth
-rejection by others does not determine your worth
-you're a child of God, valuable in his sight


and then this lie lodged in my brain. I know it is a lie, but it continues to speak and drown out the other voices.

ITS WORKING, YOUR WEIGHT IS KEEPING YOU SAFE FROM INTIMACY WITH MEN

I am battling it, because I don't want to be single. I want to be married and have children and all of that. However, this feeling of death that comes with being someone else's object of self gratification makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to pray about this or to stop spinning around in my own thoughts.

Would you pray with me, for me?

In the last two weeks, I have experienced the intense pain of disappointment and rejection. I have shed so many tears and hoped for the best(as I saw it) until the last moment. I want to acknowledge that I have grown in the area of hope. I looked forward and didn't settle into resignation, taking my fate as it came. I made choices and lived in hope. I believe that God has brought about this change in me.

I hope to also see changes in what I have shared in this post. I have shared part of my inner darkness, now that it is in the light the work can continue. At least I hope so...