10.20.2008

Waiting...

So, I am waiting again.

So much of my life has been waiting. I have been waiting in lines, waiting for phone calls, waiting for people, waiting for answers. Some times I forget what I am waiting for. So, then I want to act and when I do, often I find myself waiting again.

Where is God in my waiting? I am aware of him the least when I am in this place.

There are several reasons I hate waiting...
1. I want God to do something to fix my situation and when he doesn't I get silent.
2. I want to see the purpose in the waiting. When I don't see it I feel worthless and believe the lies that run through my mind and heart.
3. I am desperate to get on with the business of living (whatever that means).
4. People don't always come through, so I hate the anxious feeling that I have when I am hoping for something from a person.
5. I hate disappointment, and many times in my life it has been on the other side of waiting.

This boils down to the fact that I WANT CONTROL!

As I write this, there are so many things I am waiting on, but the closet to my heart is a response from a male 'friend'.

How do I tell someone that I have changed. I have to tell him that my heart, my appearance, and many of beliefs/values have changed. Truthfully, I am more interested in what he will say about the change in my appearance. I sent him a picture and asked him a zillion questions about weight and weight issues, and now I am waiting for his response. What will he say? Will he want to continue the journey with me?

I am in a vulnerable place right now while waiting for his response. I wish I had a firm hold on what I believe about myself and what my body actually looks like. What if I was content with my body? I'm not. This is the path I am on at the moment and I am waiting for someone else to tell me if I am beautiful. What if that is not what he says?

This is the part of the waiting that I hate. I hope I won't be disappointed with his response, but maybe I will.

I don't have control over this and many other things that I am waiting for, hmmm...maybe that is part of what waiting is about. It helps me realize that I am not in control.

1 Comments:

At 10/20/2008 05:07:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Davelyn! You are beautiful in so many ways!!!! If this sometimey guy has negative things to say, then that means he's not the one...period. It's a favor he's doing for you if he decides not to share the journey of life with you. The favor is to allow you the opportunity to get to know him as a person and find out all the characteristics that a man can have. It's also a favor because then you know what kind of man you don't want and you won't go barking up the wrong tree. But I feel your pain, sister!! Hang in there! Lord, please show Davelyn how beautiful she is in your sight. Give her the grace and strength to wait upon you, remembering that he that waits upon the Lord shall renew their strength. Lord thank you for Davelyn!! Thank you for her life and her brilliance, her loving kindness that only comes from the love you have poured into her life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

-Sharaya

 

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