Waiting...

So, I am waiting again.

So much of my life has been waiting. I have been waiting in lines, waiting for phone calls, waiting for people, waiting for answers. Some times I forget what I am waiting for. So, then I want to act and when I do, often I find myself waiting again.

Where is God in my waiting? I am aware of him the least when I am in this place.

There are several reasons I hate waiting...
1. I want God to do something to fix my situation and when he doesn't I get silent.
2. I want to see the purpose in the waiting. When I don't see it I feel worthless and believe the lies that run through my mind and heart.
3. I am desperate to get on with the business of living (whatever that means).
4. People don't always come through, so I hate the anxious feeling that I have when I am hoping for something from a person.
5. I hate disappointment, and many times in my life it has been on the other side of waiting.

This boils down to the fact that I WANT CONTROL!

As I write this, there are so many things I am waiting on, but the closet to my heart is a response from a male 'friend'.

How do I tell someone that I have changed. I have to tell him that my heart, my appearance, and many of beliefs/values have changed. Truthfully, I am more interested in what he will say about the change in my appearance. I sent him a picture and asked him a zillion questions about weight and weight issues, and now I am waiting for his response. What will he say? Will he want to continue the journey with me?

I am in a vulnerable place right now while waiting for his response. I wish I had a firm hold on what I believe about myself and what my body actually looks like. What if I was content with my body? I'm not. This is the path I am on at the moment and I am waiting for someone else to tell me if I am beautiful. What if that is not what he says?

This is the part of the waiting that I hate. I hope I won't be disappointed with his response, but maybe I will.

I don't have control over this and many other things that I am waiting for, hmmm...maybe that is part of what waiting is about. It helps me realize that I am not in control.