Goodbye, then Hello.

Recently, I have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye to a place and then move back. I have been feeling the loss of what once was. So much has changed and it has left me feeling shaky.


I feel like when I left there was a whole, but now it has been filled up and I don't have a place. Grief, that's what it is and I hate it. I know that it deepens the capacity of the soul, but damn it, it hurts.

In my grief, I have been cared for in so many ways by so many people. I have been loved by practical gifts and the curiosity of others. It has warmed my heart. And then, the loss sneaks in and reminds me of the many deaths I have experienced and I cry.

That's life though - joy and sorrow mingled together.

I have enjoyed sitting outside in the mornings. It's been cool, the leaves are changing, and in the stillness I am aware of God. I smile at the changes happening around me. It's beautiful.

It's hard to remember that I am beautiful too as I am changing. I want to see that inside me, in the stillness, I can also be aware of God.

Hope

So, I did get a response from my male 'friend'. It was not what I was hoping for.

He tried to be kind and played the martyr, but basically he saw my picture and is no longer interested. However you slice it that is a definite piece of humble pie. All the thoughts of men and what they are interested in started to parade through my mind as I was trying to keep the hurt in check, but that didn't work for very long. I started sobbing and I couldn't stop. It was painful to feel the full force of that rejection, and then the anger turned from men to me 'not being enough'.

I tried speaking truth to myself....
- if he can't accept you as you are then you don't want him anyway
-he is not a picture of all men
-you asked and got the truth
-rejection by others does not determine your worth
-you're a child of God, valuable in his sight


and then this lie lodged in my brain. I know it is a lie, but it continues to speak and drown out the other voices.

ITS WORKING, YOUR WEIGHT IS KEEPING YOU SAFE FROM INTIMACY WITH MEN

I am battling it, because I don't want to be single. I want to be married and have children and all of that. However, this feeling of death that comes with being someone else's object of self gratification makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to pray about this or to stop spinning around in my own thoughts.

Would you pray with me, for me?

In the last two weeks, I have experienced the intense pain of disappointment and rejection. I have shed so many tears and hoped for the best(as I saw it) until the last moment. I want to acknowledge that I have grown in the area of hope. I looked forward and didn't settle into resignation, taking my fate as it came. I made choices and lived in hope. I believe that God has brought about this change in me.

I hope to also see changes in what I have shared in this post. I have shared part of my inner darkness, now that it is in the light the work can continue. At least I hope so...

Waiting...

So, I am waiting again.

So much of my life has been waiting. I have been waiting in lines, waiting for phone calls, waiting for people, waiting for answers. Some times I forget what I am waiting for. So, then I want to act and when I do, often I find myself waiting again.

Where is God in my waiting? I am aware of him the least when I am in this place.

There are several reasons I hate waiting...
1. I want God to do something to fix my situation and when he doesn't I get silent.
2. I want to see the purpose in the waiting. When I don't see it I feel worthless and believe the lies that run through my mind and heart.
3. I am desperate to get on with the business of living (whatever that means).
4. People don't always come through, so I hate the anxious feeling that I have when I am hoping for something from a person.
5. I hate disappointment, and many times in my life it has been on the other side of waiting.

This boils down to the fact that I WANT CONTROL!

As I write this, there are so many things I am waiting on, but the closet to my heart is a response from a male 'friend'.

How do I tell someone that I have changed. I have to tell him that my heart, my appearance, and many of beliefs/values have changed. Truthfully, I am more interested in what he will say about the change in my appearance. I sent him a picture and asked him a zillion questions about weight and weight issues, and now I am waiting for his response. What will he say? Will he want to continue the journey with me?

I am in a vulnerable place right now while waiting for his response. I wish I had a firm hold on what I believe about myself and what my body actually looks like. What if I was content with my body? I'm not. This is the path I am on at the moment and I am waiting for someone else to tell me if I am beautiful. What if that is not what he says?

This is the part of the waiting that I hate. I hope I won't be disappointed with his response, but maybe I will.

I don't have control over this and many other things that I am waiting for, hmmm...maybe that is part of what waiting is about. It helps me realize that I am not in control.

Processing Hurt and Anger!

Social Justice?

I'm not an immigrant, just a part of the community
Why not treat me as your neighbor - the one you love as yourself.

See, I can throw out verses too.
It hurts - doesn't it.
Those verses were not meant to be used as a weapon
to make war against those you love.
Or even those you only say you love

What if you hurt instead of lash out in rage?
What if you spent that energy on pouring out grace?
What if you were honest instead of hiding behind attack?

Poverty is easy to talk about, as you're "helping the poor"not living with them.
Dealing with the gaps in their education
and not casting stones.
Living in the ghetto not because you want to help but because you simply love.

Do you like making them feel stupid, showing all the things you know?
Are you the great hope?
Because you know so much and are so responsible does that make me lesser?
That's how it feels when you give in to conjecture

Don't give me that shit about let your yes be yes.
I know you're also looking out for yourself,
do you think no one can see you?

Your not that needy to ask for help, oh really
cause you just got finished telling me
how much I am hurting your family...

Gone on, be all about social justice
Outside of your community,
where it doesn't cost you anything.

No, in time, it will cost you something.

Writing this poem helped me sort out what I was feeling. I love it when creativity can be used as an vehicle for processing pain. I was so angry and I am angry still. The difference is that now my anger is muted by the hurt I feel. Now I am at a place where God, in his timing, will bring grace and healing to my soul. I hope that others can process the pain I have caused as well, and that somehow beauty will come out of all of this.

Prayer Requests

Dear friends,
This has definitely been a long road. I am continuing the job hunting process and it is still discouraging. Anyway, if I don't have a job by October 15th, I will pack-up again and relocate to South Carolina - at least for a while. Now, I am not thrilled about this prospect, but it is not as awful as I once thought.
So, I am asking that you join me in prayer. I love NY, especially Brooklyn, and am not ready to leave. However personal responsibility and caring for myself requires that I make a decision soon. Here are those requests...

1. Ask that I would have a job by October 15th that will allow me to live in NY.
2. Pray for my heart preparation if I am to move to South Carolina.
3. Ask that somehow I would trust God no mater what happens situationally.
4. Pray that i would soak up all of New York that I can while I am here.
5. I am still very interested in social justice so, please pray that I would be able to make contacts and get some creative ideas about implementation.

The lessons I have learned here about who I am as an African American have been invaluable, already. I feel very attached to that part of me. Also, I see that I am more comfortable in my own skin and that I can hold on to me even when most people around me live by a completely different set of values. I will take these things along with me on the journey.

The Week and On Addiction

I had tons of camera issues this week so no pictures. Words will have to do. So here is a list of the fun things I did this week.

1. Painted my room pale blue. My old roommate provided the paint and supplies, I added the elbow grease. At the end of the project it was good to look at the first room I have ever pained. (thanks to my new friend Sam for helping get those spots that were unreachable for me)

2. Celebrated my birthday with Janessa. I took Janessa to downtown Brooklyn to see my favorite part of town . She bought me lunch at a cool Italian place and we chatted about our lives. Good times indeed!

3. Went to a bar called 'Tavern', with a guy I went to high-school with. We had a lot of fun and made friends with other people who were there as well. I'd love to go there again.

4. I moved. Yep, I moved into my new room. It is good to finally get settled.

5. My roommate and I have continued to have some great conversations and some laughs together.


Those are the things that immediately come to mind.

I had my second church experience in Brooklyn this week also. I went to St. Mary's Episcopal Church. It was VERY formal. Except for the recitation for the Nicene Creed, you would think you were at a traditional Roman Catholic Mass, complete with incense.

Another strange occurrence to me was that all of the people present were black. There were African-Americans, Africans, and British-Africans present. Being from the south where most black people are Baptist, Pentecostal, or Methodist I was in shock for most of the service. However, another stereotype was broken for me.

I decided this kind of service was too formal for me even though I am a fan of using liturgy in public worship. So, the search continues.

This week I also encountered a mouse. Yes, that's right we have a mouse living with us. We have tried to kill it, but have been unsuccessful thus far. I came into the living area late one night and he was behind the sink. As he started to run, I saw him from the corner of my eye. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe. Then, I realized it was just the mouse, I turned off the light and returned to bed.

In future posts, I will continue to share excerpts from the book I am writing called...

Davelyn's Thoughts ON Life


On Addiction

I am addicted to food. I love it. I love really good quality food, junk food, and fast food.

Now, good quality food is not about addiction for me. It is about taking care of my body. I usually taste this food. Like fresh strawberries, hummus, a great well made Panni with pesto sauce. Even now my mouth waters as I think about it.

Junk food is pure sugar and it is rich. Rich foods like breads, chocolates, cakes, pies, ice cream I love because I can eat this and get an emotional lift. I have increased energy immediately after I eat it, after a while there is a huge crash. If I feel fat, I eat. If I feel bored, I eat. If I am happy, I generally lay off the sugar. This is mostly because I don’t need the lift.

Fast food is an old friend. I can eat this in secret, I can eat it fast, and I don’t really even taste it as it is going down. The name of the game is eat as quickly as you can so that you can stop feeling. I really don’t know why I have such a longing to stuff my emotions.

Actually as I think about it, I do know why. My emotions feel like they have the power to destroy me. They feel stronger than my ability to endure, so I keep myself steeped in shame so that I don’t have to feel.

Also, let’s face it. I fear intimacy, being powerless, and being taken advantage of. Really, to me, thinness is a passageway that leads to all of those things. I don’t want to feel sexually alive, attractive, seductive, so I keep myself wrapped in a cocoon of pounds so that I lesson the chance of a meaningful relationship with a man. I am addicted to control. Actually, I am addicted to the illusion of control. Mentally, I know that I actually have control over very little in this life, but that does not keep me from trying to look out for myself.

I feel like I can do a better job than God. I know that is a lie, but it’s one that won’t go down without a war, long arduous bloody battle after battle after battle, until finally one of us dies.