Sadness

Mourning
Numb, denial
Loss. I'm lost
Desperately yearning for peace
Sun is rising
but I can't see
I feel the warmth coming
it's almost dawn
Morning

I wrote this poem when I lived in China. I was going through a difficult time, but I had such hope. Right now I am in a place where I can't see the hope so clearly. So I am borrowing hope from the past and from the people who make up my community.

Employed

Yes, the heading is true. I accepted a position at a local elementary school today. I will start on Tuesday being a reading aide. I'm excited partially about the job and partially about simply having a job. This has been a faith issue for me for about two months. God has always taken care of me financially, and this time is no different in that respect. However I learned through this that whether I am raising support or working for a company, the Lord is the one who takes care of my needs. I realized that through my time overseas I had grown bitter in my heart about raising support. I wanted to be in control. I didn't see that I was telling the Lord that I didn't trust Him and that His care for me was not good enough.
So, he is using this time to soften my heart and see his care for me from His perspective. He helped me release my expectations, my bottom line, ask for support, and let him care for me in whatever way He decides. It is still hard, I won't lie. I still fight the desire to be in control, especially in my attitude.

Birthday Update

My birthday came and went without too much trauma. My sister sent me some cool happy birthday balloons and fudge. It was great to get something so unexpected and undeserved. She really blessed my heart. Also my roommates took time to take me out to dinner to celebrate and listen to my difficult day. Thanks to all of you who called, emailed, and posted a comment with birthday wishes. I know I am loved.

On turning 28

Tomorrow I will be 28 years old. I am experiencing a host of different emotions. Part of me is excited about the future. I am looking forward to the places I will go and the people I will meet and the opportunity to know the Lord better. On the other hand I am afraid. I don't know where I am going and for the moment there is a haze ahead of me and I am barley putting one foot in front of the other.
I had a different idea of where I would be at this age and what I would be doing. I wouldn't change the past, but still it's hard to let go of some of my dreams...at least for the time being. As I write of these losses, I am reminded that many of the dreams I didn't even know I had have come true.
My Heavenly Father has given me so many good gifts and I am thankful. One of His most recent gifts is allowing me to attend a "new kind" of seminary. It's called Emmanuel House (you can check it out using the link on this page). Anyway, Happy Birthday to me.