The Red Sea

I am going to attempt to put words to my trip with Hold Us Sacred Retreats to Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt. I say attempt because at them moment there are only feelings and sensations. I do know that there is a before Eqypt and after Egypt on my timeline. I can name a handful of seasons and expereinces that are worthy of the before and after designation. They are worthy of this distinction because something shifted, transformed, transmuted, and/or awakened insude of me and impacted what I believed and/or how live and love. The Hold Us Sacred Retreat did that. The words and phrases that are beginning to find a home in my body are; powerful, joy centered, alive, connected, open hearted. The sensations of aliveness, energry moving, vibrancy, electricity, and weightlessness are moving like the wind through my body. As I write these words on the page they don't feel quite right. So I delete and start the sentence again. The mysticsm is hard to pin down and describe with accuracy. I begin to think that maybe it was just for me. And yet, there is something in what I experienced for all of us. And that is to remember that we are connected - all of us to everything. We each hold the divine spark and at the same time are made up of the humble materials around us; water, dirt, minerals, space. After Egypt, I feel connected to everything and everyone, even people I don't like. This feeling of connectedness is disorienting partially because of the pushing and rejecting that I feel from those that deny the connection and want to oppress. The feeling of connection started as we did sunrise open eyed meditations at the Red Sea. One of the mantras was "This too belongs" a refrain first introdcued to me through the book Radical Acceptance by Dr. Tara Brauch. As we looked around and took it all on I begin to feel a connection to the birds, people walking my, to the waves, and to myself. Due to various traumas, I did not feel safe enough to feel, I have lived most of my life in my mind away from feelings and sensations in my body. However, while I was at the Red Sea, I felt safe enough to let my guard down to feel. I listened to myself and heard a voice calling me home to my body. As a part of the retreat we dived in the Red Sea. The moment I jumped into the waters a part of me died. The sensation of my spirit/soul filling out my body from my head to my toe as I was baptized did feel like a rebirth of sorts. My "I" is more solid and as find my way. I am having to contend with figuring out who I am not in relation to others but in who I came here to be. I am learning stand in my I instead of trying to make life work with less discomfort and conflict by moving "I" to please other people or acquiesse. Now that I am home, I sometimes feel the pull to go back to life before, but I cannot find the way. The path is overun with weeds and it doesn't feel familiar. I am at the point where moving forward is what makes the most sense. Here is a poem I wrote about my experience, still trying to find the words. Maybe words are not important, perhaps I don't need a shrine of words to commemorate this happening. My body feels this story and my after the Red Sea life is the only marker I need. I was Red Sea baptized Reborn in ancestral waters made new darkness of the womb Alive Ghosts of my old life haunt me Reminding me of pain Poor choices pleasing people to be loved Forgetting I am Beloved I close my eyes Remember there are oceans Inside of me I am limitless Open my eyes take it all in Tap into my heart I am here

Greer Memorial Hospital

It literally takes a hospital stay to slow me down. I find comfort in working, creating, thinking, and healing. I will do anything other than rest and recharge in the way my body asks for it. In the back of my mind there are two things that stop me: 1. I have to earn rest. Like vacation accrual at work, I work my body and mind into exhaustion and then call my body repairing "rest". 2. Having a scarcity view of time. Sayings like "you can sleep when you're dead" or "keep grinding" or "there are not enough hours in the day" produce a slight tremor of anxiety that I am not doing enough and that there is no time for my dreams to come true. On the average day I am not aware of these thoughts, but the way I am living and the way I feel has brought these foundational ideas to my attention. The truth is there is time. There is more than enough. A scarcity mindset actually decreases the time by filling it with anxiety and procrastination. I can welcome anxiety and procrastination as my friends because they give me information and show me how much I really want to be of service to the world (and fear I won't be able). Now, I can face that fear. It's mine to journey with, plant seeds, be a healing presence, and to basically add water. How growth and healing happen are a mystery, and I leave that to God. As I lay in this hosptial bed, repairing my body, I am reminded that I need to priortize rest. I am not a machine, I am worthy of rest, a little laziness would do me some good. White supremacist culture says work is virtue and rest is laziness. It says this to keep the cog moving in order to produce for the sake of power and greed. Even the seasons try to teach about rest through the daylight hours, temperatures, and sleep rhythms, but we have made a way to circumvent this to produce more than we could ever use or devour. Rest, relax, be lazy. We are worth the time it takes to repair and just be.

 At last, at last I am a place where joy is my baseline. Today I was reading back through many of my blogs and realized that I was constantly seeking validation from an outside source when validation has been given to me. I should say that it is given everyday, anew,  whenever I need it I can look to heavens. My help comes from the creator who is constantly affirming me. I was so sad and without sure footing. 15 years later I am aware that the ground was always steady beneath the quaking. It's a new day, and I am glad about it.

Emerging Light