I am going to attempt to put words to my trip with Hold Us Sacred Retreats to Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt. I say attempt because at them moment there are only feelings and sensations. I do know that there is a before Eqypt and after Egypt on my timeline. I can name a handful of seasons and expereinces that are worthy of the before and after designation. They are worthy of this distinction because something shifted, transformed, transmuted, and/or awakened insude of me and impacted what I believed and/or how live and love. The Hold Us Sacred Retreat did that. The words and phrases that are beginning to find a home in my body are; powerful, joy centered, alive, connected, open hearted. The sensations of aliveness, energry moving, vibrancy, electricity, and weightlessness are moving like the wind through my body.
As I write these words on the page they don't feel quite right. So I delete and start the sentence again. The mysticsm is hard to pin down and describe with accuracy. I begin to think that maybe it was just for me. And yet, there is something in what I experienced for all of us. And that is to remember that we are connected - all of us to everything. We each hold the divine spark and at the same time are made up of the humble materials around us; water, dirt, minerals, space. After Egypt, I feel connected to everything and everyone, even people I don't like. This feeling of connectedness is disorienting partially because of the pushing and rejecting that I feel from those that deny the connection and want to oppress.
The feeling of connection started as we did sunrise open eyed meditations at the Red Sea. One of the mantras was "This too belongs" a refrain first introdcued to me through the book Radical Acceptance by Dr. Tara Brauch. As we looked around and took it all on I begin to feel a connection to the birds, people walking my, to the waves, and to myself. Due to various traumas, I did not feel safe enough to feel, I have lived most of my life in my mind away from feelings and sensations in my body. However, while I was at the Red Sea, I felt safe enough to let my guard down to feel. I listened to myself and heard a voice calling me home to my body.
As a part of the retreat we dived in the Red Sea. The moment I jumped into the waters a part of me died. The sensation of my spirit/soul filling out my body from my head to my toe as I was baptized did feel like a rebirth of sorts. My "I" is more solid and as find my way. I am having to contend with figuring out who I am not in relation to others but in who I came here to be. I am learning stand in my I instead of trying to make life work with less discomfort and conflict by moving "I" to please other people or acquiesse.
Now that I am home, I sometimes feel the pull to go back to life before, but I cannot find the way. The path is overun with weeds and it doesn't feel familiar. I am at the point where moving forward is what makes the most sense. Here is a poem I wrote about my experience, still trying to find the words. Maybe words are not important, perhaps I don't need a shrine of words to commemorate this happening. My body feels this story and my after the Red Sea life is the only marker I need.
I was Red Sea baptized
Reborn in ancestral
waters made new
darkness of the womb
Alive
Ghosts of my old life
haunt me
Reminding me of pain
Poor choices
pleasing people to be loved
Forgetting I am
Beloved
I close my eyes
Remember there are oceans
Inside of me
I am limitless
Open my eyes take it all in
Tap into my heart
I am here
