A view from the Hill

I'm Back

2010-06-17T14:31:00.002-06:00

So, I have decided to return to blog land. I'm not sure how long I'll be here, but we'll see.

Today I have been trying to stir up the energy to be creative. However, the drive is not there. I created a piece I really love and I wanted to capitalize on that forward movement, but alas I sit here with a ton of ideas, but a lack of desire.

Anybody have any ideas of how to spark desire?

Goodbye!

2008-11-24T15:50:00.005-07:00

Today, I am moving into my permanent residence. I'm ready. I've had a wonderful time living with Shells, but I'm ready to have a place where I can fully unpack and settle into a routine here in Manhappenin'.

So, I want to say goodbye to my temporary home on Browning and to my good friend Francis. I've loved you both and still do. Oh, I'll be back to visit, but you're not my home - or dog. Of course you never were, but I could pretend :)

I'm It

2008-11-04T11:46:00.006-07:00

So, I too have been blog tagged by my friend Mandy. The rules are that I have to state 6 random things about myself. Let the games begin...

1. I LOVE people magazine. I don't read the other trashy tabloids, but people is real news. I flip through front to back and then I read the articles from back to front. I'm not sure where this habit came from, but it is definitely random.

2. I am a Christian and I have a foul mouth. It's the truth and now it's embarrassing. I used to call it a potty mouth, but it is no longer a curse word here or there - it's pretty bad. I allowed it worsen when I moved to New York and heard the F-bomb all the time and then integrated into my everyday language. However, I can't blame New York anymore because I'm back in Kansas. I hope this will not be a random fact for much longer. I'd like to start using other words to explain myself.

3. My favorite TV show is the Mentalist. I love it and think it's the best show on TV at the moment. I think I like it because secretly I want to become a super-hero. This show makes super-hero status seem attainable. Also, the lead guy is super hot!

4. I hate sausages, hot dogs, and processed deli meat. Seriously, the smell alone makes me gag and want to get as far away from the offending odor as possible. Even thinking about sausage right now makes me gag. Moving along...

5. My stupid human trick is singing with my mouth closed. In this manner of singing people are still able to hear the tune and the words, but my mouth is closed. Tricky, huh.

And last, but not least....

6. In high school I played the violin, bass drum, flute, tuba, french horn, trumpet and was in the color guard. I played them well enough to participate in a concert at the end of the school year. Of course that doesn't mean I can play any of them now, but it's a random fact I guess.

OK, I tag....
Matthew Holloman
Ryan Smith
Ashley Hill
Carmen
Shelley
Crystal Jak.

I'm ready to read some random facts about you guys.

I need You

2008-11-03T14:22:00.005-07:00

I have had some difficult moments over the last couple of months. At this time in my life I feel like David, when he sinned with Bathsheba.

I have made poor choice after poor choice (alongside some good ones). My repentance and sorrow at the moment is more about me than it is about God, but I hopeful that I will be brought to the place where I will see 'it is against You that I have sinned'. Somehow, God wove David's decisions together to make something good. In many areas I haven't seen the 'good', but at this moment I feel hopeful.

So, David had a friend sent from God to speak directly into sin. The wounding led him to God in a significant way. He is not/was not identified by His sin. That is a hard lesson for me. I have trouble separating what i do from who I am, this goes for things both good and bad. I didn't realize how deeply this affects the way I live my life.

I too have friends who speak truth to me. I might have been swallowed by despair and regret except for God bringing community to me. These people have brought light to my darkness by..

1. helping me remember who God is and who I am
2. showing me hope even in the darkness

AND

3. granting me acceptance and love (when I was tempted to let shame rule).

I have a tattoo of the Chinese characters for faith, hope, and love on my ankle. I did this to remind myself that those three words sum up life. Anyway, it was nice to be offered faith, hope, and love by my friends when I was in need of comfort.

Today I remembered this Gospel song that I really love. It's about community, so I thought I would put the words here. Enjoy!

I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE

Chorus:
I need you
You need me
We’re all a part of God’s body
Stand with me
Agree with me
We’re all a part of God’s body
It is his will that every need be supplied
You are important to me
I need you to survive (2x)

I pray for you
You pray for me
I love you
I need you to survive
I won’t harm you
With words from my mouth
I love you
I need you to survive

by Hezekaih Walker

Goodbye, then Hello.

2008-10-30T18:27:00.004-06:00

Recently, I have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye to a place and then move back. I have been feeling the loss of what once was. So much has changed and it has left me feeling shaky.

I feel like when I left there was a whole, but now it has been filled up and I don't have a place. Grief, that's what it is and I hate it. I know that it deepens the capacity of the soul, but damn it, it hurts.

In my grief, I have been cared for in so many ways by so many people. I have been loved by practical gifts and the curiosity of others. It has warmed my heart. And then, the loss sneaks in and reminds me of the many deaths I have experienced and I cry.

That's life though - joy and sorrow mingled together.

I have enjoyed sitting outside in the mornings. It's been cool, the leaves are changing, and in the stillness I am aware of God. I smile at the changes happening around me. It's beautiful.

It's hard to remember that I am beautiful too as I am changing. I want to see that inside me, in the stillness, I can also be aware of God.

Hope

2008-10-24T11:46:00.009-06:00

So, I did get a response from my male 'friend'. It was not what I was hoping for.

He tried to be kind and played the martyr, but basically he saw my picture and is no longer interested. However you slice it that is a definite piece of humble pie. All the thoughts of men and what they are interested in started to parade through my mind as I was trying to keep the hurt in check, but that didn't work for very long. I started sobbing and I couldn't stop. It was painful to feel the full force of that rejection, and then the anger turned from men to me 'not being enough'.

I tried speaking truth to myself....
- if he can't accept you as you are then you don't want him anyway
-he is not a picture of all men
-you asked and got the truth
-rejection by others does not determine your worth
-you're a child of God, valuable in his sight

and then this lie lodged in my brain. I know it is a lie, but it continues to speak and drown out the other voices.

ITS WORKING, YOUR WEIGHT IS KEEPING YOU SAFE FROM INTIMACY WITH MEN

I am battling it, because I don't want to be single. I want to be married and have children and all of that. However, this feeling of death that comes with being someone else's object of self gratification makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to pray about this or to stop spinning around in my own thoughts.

Would you pray with me, for me?

In the last two weeks, I have experienced the intense pain of disappointment and rejection. I have shed so many tears and hoped for the best(as I saw it) until the last moment. I want to acknowledge that I have grown in the area of hope. I looked forward and didn't settle into resignation, taking my fate as it came. I made choices and lived in hope. I believe that God has brought about this change in me.

I hope to also see changes in what I have shared in this post. I have shared part of my inner darkness, now that it is in the light the work can continue. At least I hope so...

Waiting...

2008-10-20T15:55:00.004-06:00

So, I am waiting again.

So much of my life has been waiting. I have been waiting in lines, waiting for phone calls, waiting for people, waiting for answers. Some times I forget what I am waiting for. So, then I want to act and when I do, often I find myself waiting again.

Where is God in my waiting? I am aware of him the least when I am in this place.

There are several reasons I hate waiting...
1. I want God to do something to fix my situation and when he doesn't I get silent.
2. I want to see the purpose in the waiting. When I don't see it I feel worthless and believe the lies that run through my mind and heart.
3. I am desperate to get on with the business of living (whatever that means).
4. People don't always come through, so I hate the anxious feeling that I have when I am hoping for something from a person.
5. I hate disappointment, and many times in my life it has been on the other side of waiting.

This boils down to the fact that I WANT CONTROL!

As I write this, there are so many things I am waiting on, but the closet to my heart is a response from a male 'friend'.

How do I tell someone that I have changed. I have to tell him that my heart, my appearance, and many of beliefs/values have changed. Truthfully, I am more interested in what he will say about the change in my appearance. I sent him a picture and asked him a zillion questions about weight and weight issues, and now I am waiting for his response. What will he say? Will he want to continue the journey with me?

I am in a vulnerable place right now while waiting for his response. I wish I had a firm hold on what I believe about myself and what my body actually looks like. What if I was content with my body? I'm not. This is the path I am on at the moment and I am waiting for someone else to tell me if I am beautiful. What if that is not what he says?

This is the part of the waiting that I hate. I hope I won't be disappointed with his response, but maybe I will.

I don't have control over this and many other things that I am waiting for, hmmm...maybe that is part of what waiting is about. It helps me realize that I am not in control.

Processing Hurt and Anger!

2008-10-16T11:57:00.003-06:00

Social Justice?

I'm not an immigrant, just a part of the community
Why not treat me as your neighbor - the one you love as yourself.

See, I can throw out verses too.
It hurts - doesn't it.
Those verses were not meant to be used as a weapon
to make war against those you love.
Or even those you only say you love

What if you hurt instead of lash out in rage?
What if you spent that energy on pouring out grace?
What if you were honest instead of hiding behind attack?

Poverty is easy to talk about, as you're "helping the poor"not living with them.
Dealing with the gaps in their education
and not casting stones.
Living in the ghetto not because you want to help but because you simply love.

Do you like making them feel stupid, showing all the things you know?
Are you the great hope?
Because you know so much and are so responsible does that make me lesser?
That's how it feels when you give in to conjecture

Don't give me that shit about let your yes be yes.
I know you're also looking out for yourself,
do you think no one can see you?

Your not that needy to ask for help, oh really
cause you just got finished telling me
how much I am hurting your family...

Gone on, be all about social justice
Outside of your community,
where it doesn't cost you anything.

No, in time, it will cost you something.

Writing this poem helped me sort out what I was feeling. I love it when creativity can be used as an vehicle for processing pain. I was so angry and I am angry still. The difference is that now my anger is muted by the hurt I feel. Now I am at a place where God, in his timing, will bring grace and healing to my soul. I hope that others can process the pain I have caused as well, and that somehow beauty will come out of all of this.

Prayer Requests

2008-10-09T11:46:00.006-06:00

Dear friends,
This has definitely been a long road. I am continuing the job hunting process and it is still discouraging. Anyway, if I don't have a job by October 15th, I will pack-up again and relocate to South Carolina - at least for a while. Now, I am not thrilled about this prospect, but it is not as awful as I once thought.
So, I am asking that you join me in prayer. I love NY, especially Brooklyn, and am not ready to leave. However personal responsibility and caring for myself requires that I make a decision soon. Here are those requests...

1. Ask that I would have a job by October 15th that will allow me to live in NY.
2. Pray for my heart preparation if I am to move to South Carolina.
3. Ask that somehow I would trust God no mater what happens situationally.
4. Pray that i would soak up all of New York that I can while I am here.
5. I am still very interested in social justice so, please pray that I would be able to make contacts and get some creative ideas about implementation.

The lessons I have learned here about who I am as an African American have been invaluable, already. I feel very attached to that part of me. Also, I see that I am more comfortable in my own skin and that I can hold on to me even when most people around me live by a completely different set of values. I will take these things along with me on the journey.

The Week and On Addiction

2008-10-08T11:32:00.005-06:00

I had tons of camera issues this week so no pictures. Words will have to do. So here is a list of the fun things I did this week.

1. Painted my room pale blue. My old roommate provided the paint and supplies, I added the elbow grease. At the end of the project it was good to look at the first room I have ever pained. (thanks to my new friend Sam for helping get those spots that were unreachable for me)

2. Celebrated my birthday with Janessa. I took Janessa to downtown Brooklyn to see my favorite part of town . She bought me lunch at a cool Italian place and we chatted about our lives. Good times indeed!

3. Went to a bar called 'Tavern', with a guy I went to high-school with. We had a lot of fun and made friends with other people who were there as well. I'd love to go there again.

4. I moved. Yep, I moved into my new room. It is good to finally get settled.

5. My roommate and I have continued to have some great conversations and some laughs together.

Those are the things that immediately come to mind.

I had my second church experience in Brooklyn this week also. I went to St. Mary's Episcopal Church. It was VERY formal. Except for the recitation for the Nicene Creed, you would think you were at a traditional Roman Catholic Mass, complete with incense.

Another strange occurrence to me was that all of the people present were black. There were African-Americans, Africans, and British-Africans present. Being from the south where most black people are Baptist, Pentecostal, or Methodist I was in shock for most of the service. However, another stereotype was broken for me.

I decided this kind of service was too formal for me even though I am a fan of using liturgy in public worship. So, the search continues.

This week I also encountered a mouse. Yes, that's right we have a mouse living with us. We have tried to kill it, but have been unsuccessful thus far. I came into the living area late one night and he was behind the sink. As he started to run, I saw him from the corner of my eye. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe. Then, I realized it was just the mouse, I turned off the light and returned to bed.

In future posts, I will continue to share excerpts from the book I am writing called...

Davelyn's Thoughts ON Life

On Addiction

I am addicted to food. I love it. I love really good quality food, junk food, and fast food.

Now, good quality food is not about addiction for me. It is about taking care of my body. I usually taste this food. Like fresh strawberries, hummus, a great well made Panni with pesto sauce. Even now my mouth waters as I think about it.

Junk food is pure sugar and it is rich. Rich foods like breads, chocolates, cakes, pies, ice cream I love because I can eat this and get an emotional lift. I have increased energy immediately after I eat it, after a while there is a huge crash. If I feel fat, I eat. If I feel bored, I eat. If I am happy, I generally lay off the sugar. This is mostly because I don’t need the lift.

Fast food is an old friend. I can eat this in secret, I can eat it fast, and I don’t really even taste it as it is going down. The name of the game is eat as quickly as you can so that you can stop feeling. I really don’t know why I have such a longing to stuff my emotions.

Actually as I think about it, I do know why. My emotions feel like they have the power to destroy me. They feel stronger than my ability to endure, so I keep myself steeped in shame so that I don’t have to feel.

Also, let’s face it. I fear intimacy, being powerless, and being taken advantage of. Really, to me, thinness is a passageway that leads to all of those things. I don’t want to feel sexually alive, attractive, seductive, so I keep myself wrapped in a cocoon of pounds so that I lesson the chance of a meaningful relationship with a man. I am addicted to control. Actually, I am addicted to the illusion of control. Mentally, I know that I actually have control over very little in this life, but that does not keep me from trying to look out for myself.

I feel like I can do a better job than God. I know that is a lie, but it’s one that won’t go down without a war, long arduous bloody battle after battle after battle, until finally one of us dies.

A week, or something like that in pictures!

2008-09-28T12:03:00.016-06:00

Well, finally I have access to a computer with the ability to download a few pictures. This week has been great. I have had some fabulous dreams that have made sleep really restful for me. A couple of the dreams have been healing. Thanks for the prayer. I have enjoyed moments alone, time with old friends and new ones.

Here are some pictures of the room I have been living in. I will be moving upstairs into my apartment on October 1st. Actually my new bedroom is not much different. It is a little wider, and I am thankful for that!

That TV doesn't work, and without a computer I feel shut out from the rest of the world. However, do not fear, I was able to get a people magazine and now all is well :).

That is my lovely bed and the fan that I am run constantly. If i don't have it on, I can hear the person next door and they can hear me.

I bought some new bedding so it feels more like home now. I didn't bring a pillow, so if you look closely you can see my coat wrapped inside a couple of towels. That worked for a little while, but then I had to find a Target and get a pillow. I finally found target and it was huge. i was so overwhelmed. It had two floors, and you cook take your cart to the second floor via the escalator. It had dual sides, one for people and one for carts. Pretty cool, I know.

There we are. J-ness and I outside of the brownstone where my apartment is located. I love the stoop. Janessa and I sat there waiting for Matt (who'll be pictured in my next post) to take us to Starbucks and church.

So off we went for good conversation and a cool church experience. The village church is great. I enjoyed the sermon and the liturgical part of the service. I hate the experience of going to a new church where everyone knows you are new. So, that part was not great. Also, it is a little too formal for my taste. I like to show up in jeans and a t-shirt and this was not that kind of place.
You can check it out here.

So, I am off to find a church where i feel like i belong. I was considering not finding a church and thinking that community would be like a house church. That is not realistic at this point. However, I hope for the day when it functions as a house church.

There is so much still left to share. Next time i hope to show you pictures from the Governor's Island MP3 experience. You can check it out here. I had a great time doing something so random!

Ok friends, that is it for now. I miss Manhappenin' and love you all.

I love New York!

2008-09-24T11:56:00.003-06:00

I am here and loving it so far.

I have taken some pictures and want to post them, but can't do it at the internet cafe.

In Brooklyn, I just found the internet cafe today. Fun times. I am finding little treasures all over the place.

There is so much to say, and I would rather do so with pictures. So, hopefully they will be coming soon.

Monday I walked the city for about 5 hours....not on purpose. My feel hurt so bad that I had to buy some new shoes. I learned to take along some comfortable shoes in my bag. Otherwise I will have to walk bare foot in the nasty city streets, again!

More to come, stay tuned!

I thought I would get the two liberal posts out of the way!

2008-09-10T21:07:00.005-06:00

On Cursing

So, I realized today that I have a potty mouth. I enjoy cursing. I know that there are other more descriptive vocabulary words that I could use to get my point across. However, sometimes it just feels good to say one. They say what I feel and it is a great summary word. Follow along with me. I am going to list some swear words and you nod along with me if you think you know what I mean.
1. I feel shitty
2. Damn it
3. Oh crap (don’t deny it this replaces shit in Christian circles)
4. I’m being bitchy today (1st person is socially acceptable).
5. Oh, hell no.
6. That’s bullshit

Now these are the words I feel like I can say aloud and people won’t look at me like I am a freak. Now we all know that the “F” bomb is not acceptable, but let’s face it sometimes I let that one fly.

I know some of you will say, what about that whole unwholesome talk business in the Bible. Well, I say that is a good verse. I like it too. However, I think there is a difference between using a curse word and swearing. Sometimes when I am really mad and I drop the “F” bomb I am sinning because I can feel the anger boil in the pit of my stomach and then come out of my mouth like battery acid. Other times I say, I feel shitty today so that people know what I mean and because it feels good to say and be understood without saying more.

I just thought I would let you know that I have a potty mouth and I am ok with it. Sorry if I offend you I wanted you to know where I’m coming from.

On cigarettes

For so long I have assumed that cigarettes were the most terrible thing you could ever imagine. I used to hate smoking vicariously through others. Second-hand smoke is still pretty terrible. Anyway, I was thinking the other day…why is smoking any worse than caffeine which is a socially acceptable form of addiction? I haven’t come up with (or heard) a good explanation of why this is so.
The other day my friend offered me a smoke. I said sure I’d like to try that. I mean there were no witnesses so why not. I had to ask for instructions. She gave me a short lesson and I puffed. I felt this delightful fizzy sensation in my brain. It was pretty wonderful. I haven’t had a smoke since then. I am not interested in starting a new addiction, but I now understand the calming effect of a good smoke. Next time I’m offered a smoke I’ll say no thanks, but now I can do so without judgment.

On Flip Flops

2008-09-08T17:15:00.002-06:00

I love flip flops. Whoever created this shoe deserves some kind of medal or an award for being a freaking genius. Really, it is the perfect shoe. Your feet get air, but they have some coverage. You can paint your toe nails and feel really feminine and beautiful or you can leave your toes be. Everyone wears them so foot funk is barely discernible.
We live in a fallen world, so flops are not perfect. There is the roughness that crusts on your heels, also sometimes I wish they had an ankle strap. However, the ankle strap looks stupid. Others have tried it and failed. Oh, the rain. When you wear flops in the rain it wreaks havoc on the backs of your legs and your backside. So, be careful.

On Freedom

2008-09-06T22:04:00.005-06:00

Here is a poem I wrote as I was thinking of freedom. There is such a desire to be free and yet at the same time we live in this world that is neither heaven nor the Garden of Eden, the ultimate places of freedom. My attempt at describing longing and reality falls short of the battle that rages on inside of me.

Can I be free
even while bound
Can i transcend chains
even when I'm living on the ground

oh, can i be free
Free, free, what is freedom anyway

in whispers of children laughing
in tastes from hearts that love
yet to hold, elusive freedom remains

Can i be free
pretending the past has no hold
Can i look back yet still move forward on the road

oh, can I be free

War rages, lives are lost, for a freedom we don't understand.
War rages, in my soul, longing to be whole

So I'm reaching, we're all reaching, reaching for free

On Coffee

2008-09-04T17:49:00.002-06:00

Today I had a really great cup of coffee. It was the perfect boldness with a nutty flavor. That is probably because I put some hazelnut creamer in it. As I drank it, the smoothness literally made me smile. Ah the coffee bean.
I have been drinking coffee since the fourth grade. When I was at my grandma Mary’s house I wanted to be like her and she had coffee every morning with her biscuits, cheese and eggs, bacon, and grits. So I had that as well.
Coffee never tasted bitter to me. I guess this is because I always had plenty of milk and sugar. Now when I was little it didn’t matter what kind of quality the coffee was, I would drink anything.
However, I have become quite the coffee snob. Those name brand coffees that you buy at the supermarket no longer do it for me. In fact, I have to have the good stuff or I won’t drink it.
You’d think the way I am about coffee would filter over to different parts of my life. It doesn’t. I still shop at Wal-Mart and Target for clothes, shoes, and groceries. Just not my coffee.

2008-09-02T22:29:00.000-06:00

On trees

I love trees. They are beautiful and there are so many different varieties. I love it that they raise their arms in worship to the creator no matter what. If it is storming they worship, if the day is scorching they worship, if the day is perfect they worship. It is pretty amazing that God has the trees when all else fails to worship.

Trees grow best in groups. There is nothing like the beauty of a forest. The trees dance in the wind, provide shade in the heat of the day, and witness the good and the bad of man. The way the leaves are always applauding the handiwork of the creator makes me remember why I am here, on this earth.

Langston

2008-07-07T04:35:00.003-06:00

It has been a while. I have been reading Brooke's blog and thought it was time to write a little. Thing is...I don't have much to say. Really, it has been over a year since I have blogged, but there are so many words that they blend together in an overwhelming silence.

So, I'll start small. I have been reading Langston Hughes and loving it. So, here is one of his poems. Enjoy!

The Dream Keeper

Bring me all of your dreams,
You dreamer,
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.

2007-01-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Christmas
....was rather dull and boring for me...not to mention down right miserable. I had the flu. I decided to stay in Kansas for the holidays and spend Christmas with friends, but that didn't happen. I stayed by myself. So from the 24th - 27th, I was really ill. By the 28th I was starting to feel much better. I am so thankful for friends who brought medicine and much needed human contact during those days.
The one bright spot was dog-sitting for my friends the Seleys. Sparky kept me company and wouldn't let me sleep all day. However, sparky liked to urinate when got excited. He got excited a lot. That was definitely the one part I could have done without. I wish I had diapers. He is just a baby and couldn't help not being able to control his bladder.

New Year's Eve
...was pretty great. I spent it with a room full of friends and holding babies. I LOVE babies. They are so fun to hold and love on. Then we played Monopoly. I lost badly, but it was really fun to play and to be around people.

Now we are back to normal life and I am glad. I love having a schedule! I guess that makes me a little weird, but I am ok with that. So, the students have returned to campus and I have already had some encouraging one on one appointments. God has been allowing me to see change and growth in some of the students. I count that a blessing.

I guess that's it for now. I just wanted to blog because it has been so long. So, I leave you with a little bit of what God has been encouraging me with lately. I have been doing a character study on Peter. God has used Peter's interactions with Jesus to give me hope. I have been made aware of my need for the Gospel daily. Through Peter I have seen that Jesus is willing to hand out forgiveness to me. That my friends is grace, Boy am I thankful.

Death

2006-11-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

My grandfather died on Wednesday and since that time this poem has been on my mind and heart. Now, not the whole poem-just the line "death shall be no more." As I have thought on this line in brief moments I have wanted to read it in its entirety. Today, I had the time to read it. God used it to speak into this time of darkness.

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for though are not so;

I must admit that this week I have felt the sting of death and it felt both mighty and dreadful.

For those, whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

But there is hope. Even though my grandfather died, I will see him again. He is not really dead.

From rest and sleep, which nut Thy picture(s) be,
Much pleasure, then from thee
much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee
do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's
delivery.

So, Raymond Robinson really does go to rest with God. That is the truth. Now, it doesn't make me feel better in the here and now-but I think as time goes on hope will return.

Thou'rt slave to Fate, chance, kings,
and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and
sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke; why
sweell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake
eternally,
And Death shall be no more;
Death, thou shalt die.

Wow, that is hopeful. Death, thou shalt die. One day death's sting will not be felt and the grief that comes along with it will cease. I am REALLY excited about that.

Birthday Fun

2006-10-12T10:46:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm 29! I can't believe it.

I had a great birthday celebration. My friends loved me well.

I am going to see the musical Wicked in Chicago! I am so excited. My community here gave me a ticket to Chicago and to the musical. Three girls are going with me to make a weekend of it. I must tell you that I am so intrigued by the idea of the untold story of the wicked witch of the west. I read the book in preparation for the Musical, and I am going to rent the old school Wizard of Oz in order to get ready. I love the music and the costumes. How fun!

2006-08-28T13:38:00.000-06:00

I have been a wee bit busy over the last couple of weeks. Well, actually the last month. I have started two new jobs. Exciting times in Manhappenin Kansas. In the midst of starting new jobs I have been dealing with re-entry from East Asia. Now, I don't have any really interesting things to share, but it has been a while since I have posted. So this is all I have right now.

A part of one of my new jobs in support raising. This part has been a blessing and a curse. I have been humbled and made desperately aware of my need for Christ. He is the one that provides even though it is usually through human agents. My community has been encouraging me to trust God. In fact, last week as I prayed about specific needs God provided very practically. I needed gas in my car and food in the pantry. I didn't know how it would happen, but the family of God surprised and overwhelmed, so this week as I pray it is a little easier to trust God. I still don't really like being dependent on God in this way. I would rather have what I need and not have to ask people. To be honest, asking people for money makes me feel like a beggar. I am aware of these thoughts now and I think that is half of the battle I am facing to humble myself before Jesus.

I have been thinking about what it means that God is Sovereign. I have heard this character trait of God thrown around a lot lately. I think I have used God's sovereignty as a cover for my own lack of personal responsiblity. What does it meant to pray over a decision and decide? Is my hope that God helps me make a good decision so that I don't fail at something and if I do I can say it was God's will. Or, do I pray and trust God for mercy and direction. If I don't hear correctly God is still Sovereign and He has promised to work all things out for His glory and our ultimate good. Anyway, these are some thoughts I wanted to give light to. Please let me know your thoughts. I know these are things we will be thinking about until Jesus returns. However, please disagree. We learn by good-natured discussion.

Re-entry

2006-08-05T17:45:00.000-06:00

These images have come since I've been back from China. This time of re-entering my home culture is always pretty difficult for me. When I say difficult I mean I am lonely, I lack vision, God seems distant, and I can't find the words to really connect with what is going on beneath the surface. This time though, I have a new way to process what is going on in my heart. In addition to the outlet art provides, this time God has given me many opportunities to verbally process my time in East Asia and also what is happening inside of me now in response to the opportunity to enter another culture.
Anyway, these things do not make re-entry less difficult for me, but I am able to chart where I am better and I have many companions on the journey. I'm so glad. So a little about the pieces. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I was sad and the tears came for no apparent reason. As I was praying and reading Psalm 19 I had a picture of resting on God's chest. In my mind's eye, as I did this, I noticed the storm clouds building around me, but they didn't bother me. I could see them, but was able to rest in God's presence. So the first thing I painted was Grace in the Storm. Immediately after that I painted Dancing. It is in response to a tape I heard on Matthew 6 about a week ago. The message was about trusting God to provide for us the way he provides for the birds. I see this provision as not only physical, but also emotional and spiritual. My heart deeply resonates with the theme of trusting God. I want to, but I often feel like I am waiting for him to fail me.
The other two paintings Grace and Grief have both come about after talks with friends in the states connected me emotionally to things I grieved in East Asia.

Grace in the Storm

Dancing

Grief

Grace

It has been fun to share a brief bit of my journey with my fellow bloggers. Thanks for reading!

Jet Lag

2006-07-26T03:30:00.000-06:00

So, it's 4:26 in the morning and I am awake. I've been up for almost two hours and I can't get to sleep. I thought I might make good use of the time and update my blog. For those of you who were wondering, I have been in East Asia for the past two months and I loved it. That's why I haven't been updating my blog.

I have some fun pics from my time in Asia, so I guess I will share some pictures some things I love about East Asia in this my first blog.

Top 10 East Asia loves
1. The people- I appreciate the cultural diversity, especially in one of the cities I visited. It makes the city unique and the people very interesting. Selfishly I also enjoy how curious they are about me and my life.

2. The language- It is so fun to speak another language. Even though I still speak it like a child.

3. Night Markets....need I say more.
4. Lack of spiritual pretense- There is a clear line between believers and non believers. At least this is true in Christianity. I'll bet that where Buddhism is concerned there is some pretense.
5. I get to practice the discipline of slowing- It takes more time to do everything. There is much more walking, riding buses or bicycles so the time to and from makes it take longer to complete simple tasks. It is great to be able to use that time in pr and/or getting to connect with people.

6. Karoke- Don't laugh-it's really fun. It is going on all the time; at dinner, in special karoke places, at bars...all that singing just makes me smile (most of the time:0 )
7. The City Square- this is the night time city hot spot. There are people playing games, walking their dogs, buying and selling things, it is organized chaos. There is so much energy and fun at the square...it's almost like an amusement park, but cooler.
8. Restaurants with rooms. I love that most restaurants have small private rooms. You can use this if you ask for it or if you have a larger party. I think I like it so much because of the privacy and the connectedness you feel as you share a meal together.
9. Taking pictures-My friends in East Asia love to take pictures. Someone always has their camera and wants to document our time together. Typically I am not a person who enjoys being in pictures, but I love returning home having tons of physical reminders of the time spent in a different culture.

And last, but not least

10. The food...it is so good! I think it is because they have had thousands of years to perfect cuisine and there are so many different varieties. Some meals are like artistry. Definitely good stuff!

Ok, Ive gone on long enough. It is time to try and get some sleep. Or get ready for the day.

Pictures of Spring

2006-05-09T13:57:00.000-06:00

Today I saw God. It was great to look around and see part of His image reflected in children and in nature.

Ukraine

2006-04-12T11:58:00.000-06:00

So, we had a presentation on the Ukraine today (Wed.) at the elementary school where I work. It was really wonderful. I was so surprised to see how much it was like China. I guess that's the work of the long arm of communism. It was a little freaky...even down to the way they make their beds.

We listened to Ukrainian music, watched a dance, and even had an opportunity to see (and say) the alphabet. It was pretty hilarious. It was cool to marvel at the work of God through these people. Our God is SO creative.

2006-04-06T13:00:00.000-06:00

This morning as I read the Scriptures I was struck with a thought that has been reverberating(is this even word?) in my mind all day. The words are not mine. They are from the message translation. The words are

Passionate Patience

What does it mean to live with passion and patience, or a patience that is passionate? It is a waiting that I do not quite understand. I usually swing from one end of the pendulum to the other. Frequently, I abandon hope and begin to make things work on my own, or just give up and believe (somewhere deep down) that God has forgotten me. He hasn't.

There is a place of passionate waiting. I long for that place of trust and leaning into God.

Today though there are many unresolved issues in my life and some things that I am believing God for. I know that these words were an encouragement from God. My issues may be resolved this side of heaven or they may not be. However, He is God and I want to wait passionately for Him.

Rest and Good-bye

2006-04-02T15:46:00.000-06:00

This is the view from the condo in Dillion, CO where some friends and I stayed over spring break. It was awesome. We had time to rest, play, shop, and just hang out with each other. It was just what I needed.

As a wonderful bonus, on the way back I got to see some dear friends of mine in Denver. It was great to be able to connect again with old friends...even if only for a short while. It made me long for the day when good-byes are no more!

Coming Soon.

2006-03-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

In the next couple of days I hope to post about my wonderful spring break.

Creativity

2006-03-08T17:23:00.001-07:00

So, when I was growing up my sister was the creative one. She is a talented artist and poet! Check out her blog for some great lines. Anyway, I kind of stuffed the creative part of me to make life work. I thought I to needed to "be" something else in order to have my own place in the world.

I know that this is not true but I just didn't feel good at it, creative expression that is. Well, within the last few years my definition of what an artist is has drastically changed.

In the last year creativity has been a huge vehicle of expression for me. Sometimes I can't even identify what I am feeling, but when the pen is in my hand the depths of what I am feeling become clearer to me, and there is a release when I am done. Anyway, have a look at some of the pieces. Most of them are from some really dark times in my life, but they also speak of hope. I am not ready for deep detailed descriptions of each piece so enjoy and if you want some explanations at some point just ask.

Worship

Soul

Hopeful

Movie Review and A Word About Being Me.

2006-03-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

So, I heard a pastor use the words "off the chain" today in his sermon. Is that weird? It sounded kind of weird to me, but it rolled off his lips as if he uses that phrase all the time. Tell me, did off the chain come from the African American community or was it used in academia before it became slang? Correnta brought up this all important possibility on the way to lunch today.

On Saturday night I went to see the movie Madea's Family Reunion. It was a great movie. I really like Tyler Perry's films for two reasons....

1. They are very theatrical- the movies he has produced were originally stage plays, musicals actually. So, when they are adapted for the screen he keeps some elements of theatre in them. He definitely has his own style.

2. He films are funny, and so much more. You get humor mixed with human dignity and depravity. Even more than this element is the taste of the divine that is woven through the story line.

I give the film two thumbs up, way up.

Another reason I had such a good time was partly because of the audience in which I saw the movie. Seeing an African American movie with predominately black people is an experience of community. It is sort of like seeing a movie with family and/or friends who treat the story portrayed in the film as an added relative. So, everyone interacts with each other and with the scenes. It is so entertaining. I found myself verbally agreeing or debating with the characters on screen. So fun. This is something about African American culture that I love. We are usually a very demonstrative people.

I feel like I have closed off that part of me some what. When I think about a caged bird I resonate deeply with that image. I long to be free, but I am in a cage. The difference is that my cage is self made. In order to make life work I closed off some of my heritage and my individuality. I became what everyone else wanted me to be. In doing that I have not become freer, but more deeply bound.

Living in East Asia and in Kansas have taught me more about who I am than I thought possible. I am able to back away from my home environment and see the things that are true about me in terms of who God made me to be. Secondly I am beginning to come to know and disclose things about my heritage to others because I accept those cultural traits as valuable. In part that is due to the interest that some great friends have shown in knowing who I am and where I am come from. They want me to be me...not like them. This is a freedom I started coming to know through my friend Lisa, and am increasingly experiencing through others in my current community. Thank you ladies for journeying with me.

I too know why the caged bird sings...

2006-02-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

by Dr. Maya Angelou

Some musings.

2006-02-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

So, I am going to try to post more often. Correnta has encouraged me to continue sharing my thoughts with the world. Well, not the world so much, but my corner of it anyway. I don't have much to say today, but I would like to share my life motto. I don't know if motto is a good word, but it is a way I want to live.

I want to live in the present. I long to be a person who lives fully, authenitically, and courageously. Life full throttle, whatever that looks like.

It is a journey and I am just beginning, but it is exciting. Im always ready for a challenge. This is the biggest one yet.

The Wedding!

2006-02-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

It was great to see old friends!!
Monica and Nat! (Nat flew in from Colorado for the wedding).
Rhonda and I
Ryan and Sheri

Ryan's wedding was amazing. It was wonderful to see my friend so happy and excited! The ceremony itself was moving and very classy. As Sheri walked down the aisle I really thought about Jesus. I thought that one day I (we) will be able to meet him in the way a bride meets her husband. It was a moving moment for me. I have never had a moment like that at a wedding before. Priceless!
Also it was just fun. I had an opportunity to see so many friends from back in the day. I love to dance and we had some good moments gettin our grove on at the reception :)
Anyway for all of you who are interested here are some pics.

Longing

2006-02-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking recently about life. What does it really mean to live? When I think of that word it carries weighty connotations. Living to me now means fully experiencing life. It means being present and completely immersing myself into whatever is going on right now. So, whether I am in turmoil or terror or passion I am present. In this presence it is not only about me, but being present with God and others as well.
From reading this you may think that being present = being emotional, but that is only a component. I want to be intellectually present as well. Consider it. Do you pay attention to your thoughts or do you allow your mind to run while you are occupied with other things (this frequently happens to me while I am reading)? Or, even when you're praying, how often are you completely present in what your asking God for? I often pay no attention as my mind runs, I call it resting from the day.
I am beginning to call it escaping. It's so easy to escape and not think. It's a survival technique. Actually, I believe much of my life has been merely surviving. Somehow I've learned to long for less, to desire less so that I am not disappointed. Then just make it through each day not expecting much to happen. Today however, I am happy to report that I am beginning to long for life.
I used to define life as sacred and secular. When I wasn't doing something sacred it was hard for me to see the purpose in it. This related to all areas in my life even conversations. Now, I know there is no distinction. Everything is sacred. This concept brought fear at first, but not anymore. Freedom is around the corner. And now....I am longing for it.

My Best Friend's Wedding

2006-01-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yep, you heard right. Ryan Smith is getting married. I am so excited that he's getting married, but I must admit that I am a little sad as well. I think it just because things will be different. Change is a little difficult for me. I guess I could look at it like I will now have two friends instead of one :)
Ryan this post is in your honor. I'm so happy for you! May God grant you grace and wisdom as you and Sheri join your lives together.

Your Friend,
Athena

Change.

2006-01-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!

Last year was so trying! I am so thankful to be settling into life in America. I know I have been back in America over a year, but I finally feel like I have adjusted.

We had a wonderful New Year's Eve celebration. My friends and I dressed up and played some games to bring in the new year. It was pretty amazing.

Sadness

2005-10-27T18:38:00.000-06:00

Mourning
Numb, denial
Loss. I'm lost
Desperately yearning for peace
Sun is rising
but I can't see
I feel the warmth coming
it's almost dawn
Morning

I wrote this poem when I lived in China. I was going through a difficult time, but I had such hope. Right now I am in a place where I can't see the hope so clearly. So I am borrowing hope from the past and from the people who make up my community.

Employed

2005-10-07T17:10:00.000-06:00

Yes, the heading is true. I accepted a position at a local elementary school today. I will start on Tuesday being a reading aide. I'm excited partially about the job and partially about simply having a job. This has been a faith issue for me for about two months. God has always taken care of me financially, and this time is no different in that respect. However I learned through this that whether I am raising support or working for a company, the Lord is the one who takes care of my needs. I realized that through my time overseas I had grown bitter in my heart about raising support. I wanted to be in control. I didn't see that I was telling the Lord that I didn't trust Him and that His care for me was not good enough.
So, he is using this time to soften my heart and see his care for me from His perspective. He helped me release my expectations, my bottom line, ask for support, and let him care for me in whatever way He decides. It is still hard, I won't lie. I still fight the desire to be in control, especially in my attitude.

Birthday Update

My birthday came and went without too much trauma. My sister sent me some cool happy birthday balloons and fudge. It was great to get something so unexpected and undeserved. She really blessed my heart. Also my roommates took time to take me out to dinner to celebrate and listen to my difficult day. Thanks to all of you who called, emailed, and posted a comment with birthday wishes. I know I am loved.

On turning 28

2005-10-05T15:33:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I will be 28 years old. I am experiencing a host of different emotions. Part of me is excited about the future. I am looking forward to the places I will go and the people I will meet and the opportunity to know the Lord better. On the other hand I am afraid. I don't know where I am going and for the moment there is a haze ahead of me and I am barley putting one foot in front of the other.
I had a different idea of where I would be at this age and what I would be doing. I wouldn't change the past, but still it's hard to let go of some of my dreams...at least for the time being. As I write of these losses, I am reminded that many of the dreams I didn't even know I had have come true.
My Heavenly Father has given me so many good gifts and I am thankful. One of His most recent gifts is allowing me to attend a "new kind" of seminary. It's called Emmanuel House (you can check it out using the link on this page). Anyway, Happy Birthday to me.

Questions.

2005-09-30T22:16:00.000-06:00

Why? Yet, again this question passes through my mind. I recently read an article about sex trafficking, why does this happen? It's more like a scream that echoes from my from so deep it seems like it is coming from my toes. It is a cry of desperation and pain, I am asking for answers. This article highlights other human suffering and again I ask why. Of course there are other questions I could be asking...Like what? What can I do to help? Or where, where can I go? Instead I scream why to the heavens and demand an answer from God. He remains silent and in my anger I say if you won't help then I will. I begin to develop a plan to be the one that "helps God" love people. When in reality I am helping myself feel better about it all. It is harder to feel pain and sympathy and be able to do nothing about it. If I would allow myself to feel a little of what He feels and pray for those who are hurting, perhaps then He would give me a passion that comes from the inside out. He would give me compassion.
Right now I feel like anything I read becomes a flicker of passion. If I read about slavery in Africa, and sex trafficking in Southeast Asia, and poverty in Cambodia these things become my passions of the moment. Then I am overwhelmed and immobilized by the immensity of the suffering. As I contemplate it all, again the "why" begins to well up within my soul. I scramble for a way to deal with the pain of living in this fallen world. So, I talk about it over coffee with friends and come up with solutions that act as a salve for my conscience.
Today I realize that compassion originates from within not from without. The enormous burden I feel is not from God it is a reminder that I "wasn't made to live in a world outside of the garden of Eden", as Larry Crabb says. I was made for a perfect world and I am angry that it's not that way, so I want to fix it. That's not God's plan. He is in relationships. So, He does want me to enter the suffering in the world, but in a more specific way. I think He will work compassion in me, and maybe I will have the opportunity to love people in specific ways in places of deep suffering. Right now however, I think He is asking me to give up the question of why and be willing to stay in the pain. To meet Him in the place where questions remain unanswered and the suffering remains.

Starting Again

2005-09-29T14:34:00.000-06:00

Well today I decided to update my blogspot. I was inspired by my friend Joy Henin. I felt like it was time to share my random thoughts with my friends both near and far. It feels a little scary because this is like a journal that others can read and comment on. However, I feel like it is worth the risk. I hope to give you thoughts that make you linger over a nice cup of coffee. So, take a look around-check out the links.

Here goes nothing...

2005-06-16T12:15:00.000-06:00

I have entered the world of the blog and it is exciting! I've been inspired by two friends and the coolness of their ramblings in cyber space. So now I'm offically a joiner!!!